The Five Essential Characteristics of Marriage

 

The 5 Essential Characteristics of Marriage

Breanna Jensen

Professor Mark Ogletree

Religion C 200

The Eternal Family

25, November, 2017

Introduction

Amino acids consist of an alpha carbon bonded to a carbon chain, a hydrogen atom, a carboxylate group and an ammonium group. The number of carbon molecules in the carbon chain determine the function of the amino acid and can vary greatly depending on the bond formation. Of the 20 amino acids, 9 fall into the category of essential amino acids. They are essential because they are molecules that we cannot form by ourselves, must be gained from outside sources and are essential to human survival. Marriage consists of a bond uniting two people and eventually their children. The marriage can differ based on the characteristics that both partners contribute and vary depending on the strength of the bond that is formed. Certain characteristics can be said to be essential to a marriage because, much like the essential amino acids, they are necessary to the survival of the marriage; without them the marriage will likely end in divorce. I believe the essential characteristics of any marriage include each the individual’s relationship with God, their individual diligence, how well they communicate, how well they resolve conflicts, and recreational activities.

1: Relationship with God

Although marriage consists of a bond between two people, it is essential that each individual in that bond is also bonded to their Heavenly Father, and that together, they are able to create a bond with him as well. The relationship they have with him, or how well they live up to the covenants they make with him, greatly determine the level of marital satisfaction they will experience and the success of that marriage. The most important characteristic of a man is his relationship with God, and without a proper understanding of that relationship, the marriage will fall apart. We strengthen our relationship with God through the making and keeping of covenants, or as John put it in the New Testament, “If ye love me, keep my commandments.” In regards to keeping covenants, Jeffrey R Holland said, “Covenants are binding, supernal, consummate contracts between God and his children. They are the solemn promises of Deity--a God who always keeps his word--that heaven will pour out unmeasured blessings upon all who are faithful and honor the conditions of their pledge. An individual can swear an oath but only when God reciprocates in kind is a covenant established.” Two individuals who have been married now for over 20 years agreed that the relationship they have with God is first and foremost the most important aspect of their marriage; one said, “when I think of a relationship with God, I think of the Gospel. If I didn’t or my husband didn’t have a relationship with God, we wouldn’t be working towards an eternal marriage. It would feel incomplete. We have put more thought and effort into working out the marriage because of our relationship with God. We recognize that this means forever.” 

2: Diligence in Marriage

Next to our relationship with God, our desire to keep the marriage alive and the effort we put into it are the most essential characteristics we can bring to the table. Something that sets Mormons apart from other religions is that we believe marriage to be an eternal covenant, not just an earthly promise. In recognizing the eternal nature of marriage, we must be more willing to make it last. Essentially, when faced with opposition and difficulties in marriage, we must ask ourselves, “Is this really more important to me than my marriage covenant? Am I willing to sacrifice my marriage over this?” If the answer is no, we must be willing to do what is necessary in order to save the marriage. Elder Dean L. Larsen said, “Marriage is not an easy venture. It is largely a one-time through, do-it-yourself project for the husband and wife. I repeatedly encounter the illusion today, especially among the younger people, that perfect marriages happen simply inf the right two people come together. This is untrue. Marriages don't succeed automatically. Those who build happy, secure, successful marriages pay the price to do so. They work at it constantly.” It stands then that happy marriages take time and diligence in order to be maintained. During the interview, Brother Zachary Jensen stated, “because we have a relationship with Heavenly Father, because of our faith, we put more effort into fixing things. Are there things that have happened in our marriage that have been resolved because of our faith that could have caused another couple to break up? We definitely focus more on fixing things than just getting split up. It may be more to do with our understanding of the eternal nature of our marriage than anything else.” Because of our eternal perspective, we have to be more prone to fix things than to let them fall apart.

3: Communication

Communication and understanding, therefore, are also essential to the marriage because they allow us to do the needed fixing within a marriage to keep it afloat. Although I am not married, I have had the experience of living with someone 24-7, and in order to keep things running smoothly in our relationship, we had to communicate well. I lived with some people who were comfortable with little to no communication and we would sit in the car on long drives without saying a single thing to one another, while others were desperate for constant communication and there would never be more than a moment of silence. The difference in those relationships taught me much in regards to the need for open communication. My relationships were built to last a few months at most, but in the large scheme of a relationship meant to last eternity, communication is key. Elder Marvin J. Ashton claims that, “Proper communication will always be a main ingredient for building family solidarity and permanence.” He went on to say, “Communication can help build family unity if we will work at it and sacrifice for it.” Communication is important because it allows the family and the couple to express themselves and be understood, which allows them to overcome challenges they may face throughout the relationship. Brother and Sister Jensen agreed that communication was essential, but that it was also difficult, they said, “I think when we were first dating and married, our communication was better. Not so much since we have had children. (Mom and Dad) It’s not like children are bad, but we have different parenting views, different ideas about what the right way to raise kids is. It’s gotten harder, it differs, it might get better when we have no kids at home. When we started having kids, things were different or worse and then better and then worse again, it comes and goes depending on the ages of kids and the different situations or factors. Right now it is more a time thing. We have to prioritize things.” Children not only made a difference in their ability to communicate, but technology played a role as well. They said, “It has hindered it, there are more things to distract us now. No such thing as a laptop - very difficult to bring my work home with me. Or to work on our callings at home. We wouldn’t be on the computer or get distracted as easily. Texts can bring misunderstandings and misinterpretations. It’s a double edged sword, it’s increased the frequency but maybe decreased the efficiency. Difference between calling and texting, 1) read it, 2) get it, 3) understand it. I think both, helped and hindered.” As such they commented that because of the lack of communication, it has been harder to solve conflicts and the contention at home has increased.

4: Resolving Conflict

How a couple solves conflicts they face in marriage is another characteristic essential to the marriage’s survival. Conflicts arise in marriage a lot and when they are not handled correctly, they can destroy the relationship. I faced conflicts in my relationships quite frequently on the mission and found that the key to solving them in a healthy way was learning how my companion at the time dealt with stress, contention and conflict, and then adapting to their style in order to resolve the conflict. For example, when my companion was more accustomed to taking time away from one another to cool off, I would give them that time, but when they preferred to talk it out right away, I would talk it out with them. By adapting my conflict techniques to theirs, I was able to have healthy relationships with my companions. President Thomas S Monson said, “There can be too much impatience, too much arguing, too many fights, too many tears… If we would keep the commandment to love one another, we must treat each other with kindness and respect.” He went on to say, “Forgiveness should go hand in hand with love. In our families, as well as with our friends, there can be hurt feelings and disagreements. Again, it doesn’t really matter how small the issue was. It cannot and should not be left to canker, to fester, and ultimately to destroy. Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals.” Although conflict is unavoidable at times, the way we deal with it is completely under our control. Brenda Jensen said that in order to resolve conflicts in their marriage they often increase the quality of their communication, she explained, “communication helps, the lack of it is the reason why there are conflicts sometimes. Spending time together and developing that relationship with each other helps us to overcome conflict. It helps to feel close together. Including God or keeping God in the picture. There hasn’t been anything to shake our faith, but when people started rejecting the prophets during General Conference, I was kind of shocked and I think if I didn’t have a strong relationship with God, it wouldn’t help me to stay firm. Not that those have been our conflicts, but I know in some marriages it has. I know that because of what we feel with God it has helped.” 

5: Recreational Activities

Essential to strengthening a marriage relationship, and keeping it alive, are recreational activities. Our friends are made because we enjoy doing the same activities, and marriages are no different. Dr. Scott Braithewait once said to me that men look for “someone they can have fun with and do stuff with for the rest of their lives,” and the same goes for women, It is essential that your spouse enjoys doing the same things that you do, if not, your ability to create a bond over an activity you can both participate in greatly decreases and it is harder for the couple to stay together. Each partner will seek to do those activities, but they will do them with others, in effect they will begin to spend time with other people and less time with one another. This hurts any relationship and undoubtedly affects marriage negatively. As the couple spends less time with one another, they are less likely to want to spend time with one another because they are receiving gratification from other sources. This is not to say that if your potential spouse enjoys doing an activity that you do not enjoy you won’t be happy, just that if they don’t like to do anything you enjoy, it will be difficult to foster that relationship any further. Elder Joe J Christensen counseled us to, “keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together--just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling.” He recognized something that Brother and Sister Jensen also recognized: the need to spend time together as a couple. As we discussed going on dates as a couple, the conversation led us all to the realization that it needed to happen more often:

Me: How often do you go on dates?

Zachary: We go on dates three times a year.

Brenda: It comes and goes in spurts, once a month a few times a month, with our callings there aren’t a lot of free nights. 

Zachary: It depends on what you mean by a date… 

Me: Planned for, paid for, paired off.

Zachary: I think when you are trying to balance things out, they might be a little less extravagant, different than in High School or College. Once every other week. 

Me: Do you feel that your relationship is stronger when you take the time to plan them out, or just wing it? Do you feel the same sense of closeness when you just hang out, or when you take the time to go on a date?

Brenda: I think I feel closer when we do take the time to plan it out.

Zachary: I feel like, you know, the important thing is spending time together and variety is a good thing. Planned out and spontaneous, I don’t think it matters that much. If everything was always a wing and a prayer I don’t think that would be very healthy, but if everything was planned down to the table setting, that wouldn’t be very fun either.. There is a balance.

Me: Do you feel that doing things together as a family gives you the same level of gratification as going on a date or spending time alone?

Zachary: We just went down to the football field with Grandpa and Grandma and the kids and hit baseballs, it wasn’t a date, we had a good time, but I don’t think we feel closer as a couple, definitely as a family, but it’s not the same.

Brenda: Yeah I think we closer as a family, but it’s not the same, it’s a different relationship you are building.

From this we determined that having that alone time as a couple was essential to fostering the relationship built between the husband and wife, and all though spending time in the group setting of a family helps build up the relationship of the family, it does not do so in the same way it would for a husband and wife to spend time together on a date. 

Conclusion

The essential amino acids cannot be stored when there is an excess and must be replenished daily through consumption, however, without them, our bodies would cease to function correctly. For example, as essential amino acid stores run low, the body breaks down muscle fibers in order to try and compensate for the missing amino acids, to no avail, leaving weakened muscles, and a lower percentage of amino acid content. Overtime, this process can cause serious problems and health defects. The same goes for the essential characteristics in marriage. Each of these characteristics directly contributes to the success of a marriage and is essential in fostering the relationship formed. Without them, the marriage will suffer and the bonds weaken, causing the marriage to change and in some cases all but fall apart, often ending in divorce. Thus, one must strive to develop the essential characteristics of marriage in order to achieve proper marital satisfaction.

Works Cited:

Ashton, Elder Marvin J. “Family Communications.” General Conference, Apr. 1976. Gospel Library, www.lds.org/general-conference/1976/04/family-communications?lang=eng.

Christensen, Elder Joe J. “In Conference Report.” Ensign, May 1995, p. 65.

Green, Susette Fletcher., and Dawn Hall. Anderson. “Covenants and Ordinances.” To Rejoice as Women: Talks from the 1994 Women's Conference, Deseret Book Co., 1995, pp. 99–100.

Jensen, Zachary and Brenda. Personal Interview. Nov. 2017.

John 14:15, Holy Bible, King James Version, 1979.

Larsen, Elder Dean L. “Enriching Marriage.” Ensign, Mar. 1985, pp. 20.

Monson, President Thomas S. “Love-the Essence of the Gospel.” Ensign, May 2014, p. 92.

Essential amino acids and vitamins

Essential Attributes in a spouse:

1. Relationship with God

2. Diligence, Work Ethic

3. Communication

4. Similarities, Hobbies/Activities

5. Handling Disagreements, Resolving Conflicts

My Thoughts:

Relationship with God

The covenant of Eternal Marriage is not only a covenant made between you and another person, but also a covenant made with God; the relationship your spouse has with him therefore, is the most essential attribute to consider when deciding whom to marry. If he is keeping his previous covenants and understands his divine relation to God, all other things will fall into place and he will be prepared to make the true and everlasting covenant of marriage. In getting to know a potential spouse, it is important to determine their level of commitment to the Gospel and how strong of a relationship they have with God because it will affect not only the likelihood of them keeping the covenant they make with him, but also the covenant they make with you. It is also important to determine how much your religion will be practiced in the home and what traditions you will carry on from your family and which from his.

Diligence, Work Ethic

Diligence in marriage is essential not only in the marriage relationship, but also in providing for the family. Marriage is hard and takes a lot of work; in order for it to last, both partners have to give constant diligent effort in caring for and putting the needs of their spouse first, otherwise it will break apart. The real fireproofing in marriage is the level of effort that each spouse is willing to put into their relationship. A good way to determine your partner’s diligence and another essential aspect of marriage is their work ethic in respect to their job. “Husbands are to provide…” 

Communication

Most all conflicts in my companionships on the mission started because of a communication problem with my companion. Without good communication, a marriage can and will fall apart. If you don’t communicate with one another, their will be a lack of understanding, which can spark all kinds of falsities and cause the marital happiness to decline. 

Recreational Activities

It was once said to me that men look for “someone they can have fun and do stuff with for the rest of their lives,” and the same goes for women, It is essential that your spouse enjoys doing the same things that you do, if not, your ability to create a bond over an activity you can both participate in greatly decreases and it is harder for the couple to stay together. Each partner will seek to do those activities, but they will do them with others, in effect they will begin to spend time with other people and less time with one another. This hurts any relationship and undoubtedly affects marriage negatively. As the couple spends less time with one another, they are less likely to want to spend time with one another because they are receiving gratification from other sources. This is not to say that if your potential spouse enjoys doing an activity that you do not enjoy you won’t be happy, just that if they don’t like to do anything you enjoy, it will be difficult to foster that relationship any further. 

Resolving Conflicts

How a couple fights determines whether or not they will stay together. Conflict is just as important as unity in the home. If one spouse has a tendency to turn inward during conflict and draw away from their spouse, while the other desires to resolve the issue and pressures the first into talking about things right away, it can cause a lot of contention. Couples must determine how to argue in a healthy way so that when conflicts arise, they are not grounds for divorce. 

Mom’s thoughts:

• Selflessness, Listening, Love (kindness), Compassion (empathy), Spirituality

• How has spirituality/relationship with God influenced your marriage? Lots of ways, when I think of a relationship with God, I think of the Gospel. If I didn’t or my husband didn’t have a relationship with God, we wouldn’t be working towards an eternal marriage. It would feel not complete. We have put more thought and effort into working out the marriage because of our relationship with God. We recognize that this means forever.

• Dates, (Dad) we go on dates three times a year (joke), (mom) it comes and goes in spurts, once a month a few times a month, with our callings there aren’t a lot of free nights. (Dad) it depends on what you mean by a date… (me) planned for, paid for, paired off.. (Dad) I think when you are trying to balance things out, they might be a little less extravagant, different than in High School or College. Once every other week. (Mom) I think I feel closer when we do take the time to plan it out. (Dad) I feel like, you know, the important thing is spending time together and variety is a good thing. Planned out and spontaneous, I don’t think it matters that much. If everything was always a wing and a prayer I don’t thing that would be very healthy, but if everything was planned down to the table setting, that wouldn’t be very fun either.. There is a balance. 

• Family Activities, (Dad) we just went down to the football field and hit baseballs, it wasn’t a date, we had a good time, I don’t think we feel closer as a couple, definitely as a family, but it’s not the same. (Mom) Yeah I think we closer as a family, but it’s not the same, it’s a different relationship you are building. 

• Communication, (Dad) 6.3894, the difference between 5 and 7 (Mom) 6. (Dad) I think when we were first dating and married, our communication was better. Not so much since we have had children. (Mom and Dad) It’s not like children are bad, but we have different parenting views, different ideas about what the right way to raise kids is. It’s gotten harder, it differs, it might get better when we have no kids at home. When we started having kids, things were different or worse and then better and then worse again, it comes and goes depending on the ages of kids and the different situations or factors. Right now it is more a time thing. We have to prioritize things. Technology, (Mom) I don’t know. (Dad) It has hindered it, there are more things to distract us now. No such thing as a laptop - very difficult to bring my work home with me. Or to work on our callings at home. We wouldn’t be on the computer or get distracted as easily. Texts can bring misunderstandings and misinterpretations. It’s a double edged sword, it’s increased the frequency but maybe decreased the efficiency. Difference between calling and texting, 1) read it, 2) get it, 3)understand it. I think both, helped and hindered. 

• Conflicts in Marriage, (Mom) communication helps, it’s the reason why there conflicts sometimes. Spending time together and developing that relationship with each other helps us to overcome that conflict. It helps to feel close together. Including God or keeping God in the picture. There hasn’t been anything to shake our faith, but when people started rejecting the prophets, I was kind of shocked and I think if I didn’t have a strong relationship with God, it wouldn’t help me to stay firm. Not that those have been our conflics, but I know in some marriages it has. I know that because of what we feel with God it has helped. (Dad) I think you need to be willing to talk, admit you’re wrong even if you are right, willing to concede. First we talk about it, sometimes we need time to cool down before we talk, but we don't listen to respond, we listen to understand. (Both) It has definitely improved since we were first married. We had less things to argue about then. We have gotten better as we have experienced more things. We had more time than, and less time now to take in understanding.

Dad’s thoughts:

• Sacrifice (putting their needs first), Forgiveness (being quick to forgive), Charity (really loving someone, not just a physical or lustful infatuation), A desire to spend time with and be with one another, Independent Nature (work well together, but able to be independent as well)

• Because we have a relationship with Heavenly Father, because of our faith, we put more effort into fixing things. Are there things that have happened in our marriage that have been resolved because of our faith that could have caused another couple to break up? We definitely focus more on fixing things than just getting split up. Maybe more to do with our understanding of the eternal nature of our marriage.

• What things do you together to increase your spirituality/relationship with God? Sunday school answers! Church, prayer, read… (Mom) Dad has seminary so we have been reading ahead together, we study it out and discuss it. (Dad) That’s a new things, we decided we would have an experiment and read our lessons before and see if it is helpful to us and to our lessons. This is the one thing we are actively doing that is new. The other things we have listed aren’t new, but we continue to do them. 

• Temple Attendance, we have gone a few more times than normal over the last few months. I think it is nice to be in the sealing room, I mean we are attending the Temple we were married in, so we get to go and be in the room we were married in, so we get to relive that. (Mom) and it’s a date, so we get to spend time together.